Experts in the Archaeology department were shocked this week to discover that 238-foot Hoover Tower–previously assumed to be a stand-alone monument–is actually the phallic component of a massive underground statue in the likeness of 31st president and Stanford icon Herbert Hoover.
State-of-the-art geological imaging techniques revealed that the nearly 2000-foot subterranean memorial to the president — stretching from the foothills to the bay — features an erect Hoover lying prone on his back and staring upwards, an expression of serene calm on his gargantuan marble face.
“Needless to say, we were shocked,” reported Archaeology professor Bill Stiles earlier this week. “I don’t want to make a big deal about this, but the architectural documents explicitly state that the entire complex is true to Hoover’s actual body proportions. I can’t be the only one impressed here.”
An even more intriguing development came shortly after the initial excavation, when it was discovered that giant stone fingers are wrapped lovingly around the base of what experts are preliminarily identifying as the ‘scrotum’ of the stone likeness. The recent coincidental discovery of Hoover’s actual right hand from the construction on Santa Teresa suggests that the hand is not, in fact, Hoover’s.
Archaeology experts say that despite the treasure trove of information unearthed recently, many lingering questions remain.
“I think it’s important to discover if the phallus’s current erect state is permanent or if–god help us all–it could become flaccid at some point in the future,” said Stiles. “Such an event could be catastrophic and would no doubt cause the violent destruction of the Hoover Pavilion and surrounding areas.”
Until such information comes available, officials and administrators are strongly encouraging students and visitors to make the trek to the top of Hoover Tower, as the sensation of elevators sliding up and down the shaft may be vital in preventing the structure’s collapse.
