Vaden Health Center – After taking x-rays on the swollen writing hand of Marcus Washburn, the dominant Math 51 test-taker out of Alabama, doctors predict that the redshirt sophomore will be out of the classroom for a minimum of 4-6 weeks to recover from the debilitating injury.
Washburn sustained the injury during his Saturday morning practice exam, allegedly during a drill in which he had to row reduce a matrix to find his null space. One TA reported that dehydration and a misplaced decimal point might have exacerbated the problem.
Washburn’s Math 51 professor was understandably concerned about the developments, but maintained a calm demeanor at his Monday morning press conference. “It obviously hurts to lose a guy of Washburn’s caliber who is consistently setting the curve,” commented Professor Adams. “At this point, we can only wish him a speedy recovery, and we hope to have him back for the stretch run and the final exam. Thank god he didn’t waive Cardinal Care.”
Sources close to Washburn report that he is doing everything he can to hit the ground running in a few weeks. Washburn has been breaking down film of his online lectures, maintaining his core stretch by reading his textbook and Facebook chatting at the same time, and resting his right hand by not swiping in to Green library.
In related news, owners of Washburn in their fantasy test-taker leagues are scrambling to find a replacement. Experts recommend picking up experienced veteran Drew Francis, a junior retaking the course for credit.
