OLD UNION—For years, bollards have served the Stanford community well, peacefully reminding cars of their boundaries and nudging bikers to the most efficient route. But last week, one bollard went too far. Last Tuesday, Freshman Doug Dibble was knocked from his bike by Bollard 25B outside of Old Union.
“I was riding to class when out of nowhere this giant stick appeared right in front of me. I didn’t have time to move out of the way, so I ran into it.” Dibble went on to explain what happened after the incident. “I was on the ground, and the bollard was just standing there. It didn’t even apologize. I had to make sure this would never happen again.”
Dibble took his complaints to campus police, who investigated the troublesome bollard. “While conducting a thorough review of Dibble’s complaints, we discovered this was not an isolated incident. In fact, Bollard 25B has been responsible for countless injuries over the past several years,” remarked police officer Mark Tronel.
Tronel went on to explain what punishment the bollard would receive. “Despite countless attempts at rehabilitation, we have never seen the bollard assist its victims. Indeed, this bollard has never shown any remorse for its wickedness. Accordingly, we have no choice but to sentence the perpetrator to three years of stationary confinement outside of Old Union.”
The bollard is expected to appeal the decision. The hearing will be held next Tuesday in Old Union. Attendees are advised to bike with caution.
