Last Friday, local sophomore Kevin Miramontes, Class of 2022, came to the Flipside with shocking a statistic. Miramontes had been compiling data about the Class of 2023 for the last 7 months, starting his efforts at Admit Weekend 2019, and has determined that, as a resident sophomore, he can now confidently assert that all freshmen know little to nothing. When asked if he could provide us with the exact figures or datasets, Miramontes was quoted as saying “No bro, just trust me.”

While he declined to provide quantitative data owing to his “hands-on” approach, Miramontes recounts some tales from his four-class dorm. In one harrowing incident, Miramontes was rallying dormmates to eat at TAP but had to explain to some frosh bystanders that he was referring to The Axe and Palm. He continued on to realize that these very same uneducated buttholes had not even discovered the existence of “secret TAP.”

In a related incident, a frosh in Miramontes’ dance group messaged their GroupMe that she couldn’t find the correct room in Farrillaga. The absolutely inane frosh was found wandering around the Arrillaga gym that was farther from her, instead of Farrillaga like the sensible message had declared. The inability to distinguish between Nearrillaga and the gym sort of near Roble dorm is the “result of innate and overflowing stupidity,” Miramontes states.

Miramontes hopes that this harrowing tale of idiocy will make upperclassmen aware of the severe gap in intelligence between the current Frosh and the entirety of upperclassmen. Miramontes reports that Stanford admissions has refused to comment on whether or not “being a fucking idiot” was one of their criterion for admission during the 2023 admissions cycle.

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