Friends, Cardinals, countrymen—lend me your ears!
The trials and tribulations of this first week have no doubt been many, from classes scheduled to take place in nonexistent buildings to freak bicycle collisions with clowns carrying large panes of glass across the road. But, in the wake of Beyond Sex Ed, there is one topic that I find myself compelled to speak on.
And that thing is none other than ““fucking””. Please hear my decree in this memorandum entitled ““Beyond” Beyond Sex Ed.”
It has come to my attention that several, if not many of the students on this campus have participated in and even at this moment may be participating in ““fucking””. This is unacceptable, egregious, and a blatant violation of the Fundamental Standard and of common decency itself.
It must stop.
Stanford is deeply indebted to founder Leland and Jane Stanford, who are known to never have ““fucked””, and who declared on the site of the university’s creation that no student, faculty, or staff would be permitted to ““fuck””, in order to preserve the goodness and sanctity and prestige of these hallowed halls. Indeed, each faculty member is made to swear on a chastity belt that they never, are not, will never, and would never harbor the intention to ““fuck””.
That certain students are doing otherwise is shocking to me, and I am deeply disappointed.
So it is with great sincerity that I implore you—do not ““fuck””. If you must ““fuck””, leave the campus before you do so, or please consider ““soaking”” instead.
RAs and other staff have been instructed to be on the lookout for ““fuckers””—if found, they will be expelled first and asked questions second. Please, students. This is for your own good. Do not ““fuck””.
