As the humanitarian crisis worsens and citizens grow increasingly critical of local leadership, the U.S. Department of State has announced that it will begin actively pursuing regime change in Flint, Michigan to prevent further human rights abuses.
Although widespread lead contamination of the city’s water first began in 2014, officials in the Trump administration explained, the situation has now reached a point where overthrowing current mayor Karen Weaver is a moral imperative. The tipping point came last week when evidence emerged of the recent indoctrination of thousands of child soldiers in Mid Michigan.
“For too long, America has tolerated the flagrant violation of basic human rights by a despotic regime,” said national security advisor John Bolton, who is spearheading efforts to unseat Weaver. “We can no longer tolerate crimes against humanity — especially not from America’s neighbors.”
Under Bolton’s command, the U.S. has begun covertly funneling munitions to Rocko “Stanky” Flambé, a local club promoter who declared himself rightful mayor of Flint after throwing a pretend punch at Weaver during a meet-and-greet, making her flinch.
“You flinch, you a binch!,” insisted Flambé through grinning, silver-plated teeth. “I’m a player, I’m the mayor, and I have unconditional support from the U.S. Joint Chiefs of Staff!”
At press time, Bolton had authorized the deployment of a tactical strike force to invade Flint and install Flambé in office by force.
“Mr. Flambé might look like James Franco’s character from ‘Spring Breakers,’ drive an ATV on the highway, and constantly leave important meetings to go to the bathroom and — in his words — ‘cook some clam chowder,’” remarked Bolton, “but he’s our guy through and through. As the legitimate mayor, per the aforementioned flinching, America will do all in our power to seat him in office.”
