Amidst calls from around campus to equalize payment of campus Peer Health Educators (PHE) relative to their Resident Assistant (RA) competitors, Stanford Administration has finally responded with a solution satisfactory to all parties involved: PHEs will be compensated for the approximately $9,000 difference in pay—$3,075 per year compared to RAs’ $11,822—in Monopoly Money©.
Flipside reporters interviewed Marc Tessier-Lavigne during the wild sex rumpus of a celebration that followed the announcement of this settlement. He described how “[the administration] had considered various solutions, from paying $9,000 in pennies, to paying the same amount in dining dollars, to reducing the pay of RAs to $3,074, to just ‘ignoring those losers who somehow think that STIs aren’t totally cool [Marc uses air quotes and nods toward Provost Drell to signal that it was her who originally suggested the last option], but we finally settled on using good ol’ Monopoly Money©. I mean, who doesn’t go for that scrumptious colorful shit?
It’s like reliving childhood memories of alienating your friends and being groomed for capitalism at the same time!
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At press time, all formerly dissatisfied PHEs were more than content with the new arrangement, including one Maura Plorgistan, PHE of Larkin East, who wrote a triumphant post on Facebook describing her “absolute [delight] and [satisfaction] with the administration, may they [luxuriate] in [heaven]! Being a PHE is not some joke, and I’m [glad that] Stanford [is no longer] treating mental health like some box to be checked!” Negotiations concluded, we can all look forward to a brighter and more productive future at Stanford that grants its PHEs the resources necessary for the most basic college expenses, like buying a hotel on Park Place or unmortgaging Reading Railroad.
