Vibrating intensely with anticipation, a stairway railing in Huang Engineering Center reportedly waited eagerly for the young, sweaty feel of students’ hands all over it following Thursday’s Physics 43 lecture.

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“Oh, I just love this,” whispered the metal railing, shaking slightly as students’ footsteps rang loudly on the floor below.

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“It’s just what I need this time of day—lead and ink-stained palms running up and down me, encircling me at every point along my cylindrical length. My God, it’s such a rush.”

The railing went on to explain that the mass exodus of students was really “the only part of the day [it] enjoyed,” expressing that it otherwise “gets way too lonely.” The railing, running along the outside of a lecture hall, is one of the only railings on this side of the building, and definitely the only one that gets carnal pleasure out of being used.

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“I mean, don’t get me wrong—there are worse places to be,” the elongated metal rod admitted frankly, clarifying that its basement friends “get way less action.

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” “Still, it would be nice if it happened a little more often, and maybe even with fewer people—in fact, I wouldn’t even mind if it were just one person I really liked. That could be nice.”

At press time, the railing confirmed that the students were everything it wanted and more—though one, perhaps, was a little too rough.

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