Elon Musk’s Department of Government Efficiency has been a central interest for the public amidst the new administration’s changes. With a stated purpose to “reduce wasteful and fraudulent federal spending, and eliminate excessive regulations” DOGE has certainly been acting in line with its mission by laying off thousands of government workers and shutting down multiple agencies. Many have remarked on the concerning swiftness and lack of consideration for the effects of Musk’s work.
DOGE, however, is not the first group to terrorize the lives of real people in the name of “efficiency.” The country’s army of pre-tween cookie salesgirls, uniformed in freshly ironed Daisy and Brownie vests, have always been, and will continue to be, the pinnacle of productivity and competence in a world ravaged by chaos.
The Girl Scouts of America have always understood the importance of downsizing. Kayleigh L., 8, and a member of local troop #829 gave us the inside scoop. “It’s all about carrying your weight. We all understand that the cookie business model is a textbook example of time-constrained monopolistic competition in a perfect franchise model without the overhead. It was an outsourced sales force using a gig economy model before it was trendy. Some girls just don’t have the business acumen to be useful and at that point, we have to cut them loose.”
Troop #625 calls it the annual “Thinning of the Mints”: A period where each girl’s cookie numbers are brought up and those who are below the sales quota are laid off from the group. Annaleigh Q., 7, added on a recent loss their troop suffered: “Jessica M. only sold 367 boxes of Tagalongs last week, even though we calculated a demand that would bring her to at least 500 if she put in the effort. It’s not personal, but in any good business, you have to cut the stragglers. It is honestly simple economics, and Jessica did not understand the minimum needed to reach our break-even point.”
Girl Scouts have always exceeded every efficiency metric, and they do it happily with charming smiles and a positive attitude. The GSA motto, “leave every place better than you found it” has truly guided the girls’ work, motivating them to consistently pressure and terminate their members, until their team is truly the best, most capable form possible.
Girl Scout troops of America don’t do it to get paid. They do it for the satisfaction of a job well done. And also, maybe just a little tiny bit, for the patches. Can DOGE say the same?
