NEW YORK—After being found guilty by a 12-member jury on seven counts of fraud and conspiracy, billionaire mogul and Stanford nepo-baby Sam Bankman-Fried stated in an interview that the jury and prosecutors at the Manhattan federal court were “way overreacting” and that it was “just a prank bro.”
Bankman-Fried defrauded customers and lenders of FTX out of over 8 billion dollars over the course of three years in his operation endorsed by Steph Curry, Tom Brady, and Shaq.
When asked about whether he felt remorse for his actions, Bankman-Fried responded, “Guys, I was just in a silly goofy mood. This is literally just my reputation era—I’ll come back from this. The government just couldn’t handle how I was girlbossing my way through the corporate bureaucracy. What, men aren’t allowed to have hobbies anymore?”
Following the interview, reports indicate that Sam Bankman-Fried immediately ran to cry to his mommy and daddy, tenured Stanford Law Professors Barbara Fried and Joseph Bankman. Witnesses reported hearing cries of “it’s not fair” and “I don’t want to go” as the 5’8”, 31-year-old man uncontrollably flailed on the floor in tears.
Federal prosecutor Nicolas Roos described the scene as “utterly pathetic”, “tragic”, and “lowkey kinda hot, though.” The Flipside reached out to Professors Fried and Bankman for comment, but have yet to hear back.
In response to the controversy, FTX sponsor and divorcee Tom Brady released an official statement: “After hearing about the results of the trial, I have no choice but to un-retire again. One-year contract with the New Orleans Saints, baby.”
