Two Stanford undergraduates, sophomore Preston Stippen and junior Levi Schumaker, are filing a lawsuit against the FBI after a drug raid gone bad left the two sustaining several injuries, many of the rectal type.
The three month investigation, starting from Harvard Yard, running through University of Cincinnati, and evidently arriving to the quiet doorsteps of Palo Alto, California, went awry after an anonymous tip directing officers to Colombia autocorrected to Columbae. As doubtful as these claims remain, numerous inside sources from the Federal Bureau threatened to quote “wring your [redacted] [redacted] little neck if any details surrounding the Tinder profiles leak, [The FBI] infiltration into the admit weekend dating pool is to remain [redacted] secret”.
Regardless of the intent of the raid, SWAT slamming down the door of Room 243 was enough to scare the shit out of Schumaker, who had taken “three, maybe four, honestly who’s even counting” lines of coke before his midterm paper on Gender Studies was due. The raid, though it failed to produce the cache of fentanyl promised by the tip, did result in one loser. Schumaker, in his rush to dispose his package of forbidden goods, regretfully clogged the toilet, causing the entire third floor of Columbae to flood with that jittery powdery good stuff.
In a statement released to the press without his lawyers approval, Stippen stated “Well, in the Choir of God’s creations, will crack-cocaine not be part of His glorious harmony?”
Schumaker and Stippen await treatments to remove several objects from unmentionable orifices, all of which apparently “accidentally” got caught during the hullabaloo of the raid, more details to come.
