In a new study released by the new Stanford Health & Innovation Team (SHIT), it was discovered that over 20% of reports filed to the Stanford Department of Safety were reported by the frosh-males-walking-back-shirtless-from-that-sickass-party category, self-identified as “men ready to horseplay.”
“Tracking where the reports came from was a laborious task that required 1.5 underpaid freshmen, 2 cows, and strangely enough one grasshopper”, Interim President Richard Saller stated, who definitely doesn’t know shit about the issue. The project report exists as part of a larger mission to decrease the rate of crime on Stanford’s campus. “Once these regions are identified, we will begin placing ‘deterrents’ to discourage the silly acts of mischief from occurring” Saller announced.
Some examples of these planned deterrents include standard fare of more street lights, CCTV cameras, and signs stating surveillance. More interesting innovations in deterrence, however, were the focus of severe controversy at this week’s GSU meeting. “We’re also looking to keep analyzing the data on our other deterrents: Big, strong, handsome go-go dancers performing to Brittany Spears. Caged bear sleeping off a 3-day bender in Cabo. A cardboard printout of former President Marc Tessier-Levigne.” Provost Jenny Martinez read out loud from the 278 page memo from the President’s office at a public hearing. “I mean, some of these things are items Saller had previously requested for his home office, but were denied by ASSU. This is just him getting what he wants”.
President Richard “Ricky Sall” Saller denies these claims. “Regardless of why it’s being requested, I feel like having a boho dodo drink some coho coco is just generally a pretty sweet vibe improvement for Bowdoin and Campus Drive”, he replied.
Other stakeholders are just concerned about hearing back regarding their crime incidents as soon as possible. “I lost my JBL speaker, $1,000, and my dignity and pride that night and I’m just trying to get at least 50% of that value back”, well-known degenerate Mitchell Zeitz states. “Give my man Dicky Sal the things he wants. Hell, build him a MILF Manor if he wants, just somebody please tell me what the answers are for Econ 50 Problem Set 2.”t
