With peace in the Middle East seemingly coming closer by the day, the US has decided to throw its nuclear hat in the ring. President  Joe Biden and his administration have decided that it’s nap time no more, and fueled by Red Bull and old Monster Jam clips, want to blow shit up.

Discord leaks from anonymous informer xX_BiggestDonnyT_Xx6969 have informed us that 2 Virginia-Class Submarines have approached the Arabian peninsula. This unprecedented move by the US threatens over 40% of global petroleum transport and makes Harvey McDurger excited.  When interviewed, McDurger shared, “We’re not a peace makin’ country.  We’re a war winnin’ country.  I don’t rip a fifth of moonshine a night not to see somethin’ blow up on ma television.”

Secretary of State Antony Blinken shared a silent, empty stare after being broached with the subject. His caretaker offered to turn the animatronic on and off again and reset his circuit board, and a few minutes later Blinken booted back up to share, “Brinkmanship, is my specialty. These boneheaded diplomats overseas do not consider the adverse effects that these dastardly deals will have on the foundation of the world economy, or more importantly, I will be very bored.” Following news of the submarine maneuvers and a $452 purchase on Biden’s personal credit card at AmmuNation, OPEC has slashed production and raised the price of oil yet again. Although this tried-and-tested strategy has already bankrupted many Americans, hope is that OPEC can come up with a new strategy to fuck with the US; the production slash is so overdone and does not mesh well with the American attention span.

Our Correspondent for Presidential Affairs, Mohammad Hannaqeen, managed to discuss these happenings with President Biden at his bi-weekly Sleepyheads Anonymous meeting. Biden boasted, “I will not hesitate to turn Arabia into a thermonuclear furnace, vitrifying the Empty Quarter into glass waiting to be shattered under the American boot.  That’s a TikTok waiting to blow up.” Hannaqeen also reported hearing a ‘honk shoo, mimimimi’ shortly thereafter.