Earlier this week, the Flipside had the opportunity to interview local legend Ernest “Shovel Hands” Mattox, a Palo Alto resident of 56 years and a freak of nature born with two large shovels instead of hands. However, although Ernest was willing to do an interview, he seemed far more interested in discussing American wealth inequality than his strange and fascinating shovel-handedness.
The Stanford Flipside (TSF): So Ernest, let’s get right down to it; what’s up with the shovels for hands thing, huh?
Ernest “Shovel Hands” Mattox (SH): Well, I don’t know how much there is to say. My mother gave birth to me like this, I suppose.
Not super interesting, to be honest.
I think the real thing worth discussing is how the American economy has steadily been losing blue collar jobs overseas since the mid-nineteen…
TSF: Lemme stop you right there, bud. Let’s get back to these damn shovel hands, m’kay? Now, word on the street is that you had a bit of a rough early life, with kids calling you names like “Mr. Scoops” and “The Mad King Shovel Hands.” How did that impact your childhood?
SH: Yeah, well, kids will be kids, I guess. The bullying was bad, to be sure, but certainly not as bad as how our regulatory system had allowed for corporate domination of industries that should really be guaran…
TSF: Interesting, interesting. And is it fair to say you use your enormous freak-hands to plow snow off your mother’s driveway when you go back to your hometown in Michigan? Because, I mean, damn… that’s gotta look funny, huh?
SH: Sure, I’ve done that before. Anyways, like I was saying, I feel that the division between the rich and the poor has reached a point where control of the means of production is steadily…
TSF: Ernest, shut up. Just shut up, bro. Can you just answer this one fucking question so I can get out of here? Goddamn. So have you ever been trying to get with a cutie, but when you take her home she realizes you have shovels for hands and freaks out?
SH: Yes. Yes, that happens occasionally.
