Parents visiting campus this weekend were met with a tasty surprise when Arrillaga Family Dining Commons — everyone’s favorite Michelin-rated temple to the culinary arts — added baby seal to its menu as a special Family Weekend treat.

“We’re giving students and families exactly what they want: more high-quality, locally-sourced protein,” Mr. John Arrillaga himself explained during an exclusive phone interview made from the Swiss bank vault he lives in.

“Plus, Family Weekend is about getting back to our roots and reconnecting with our loved-ones,” the billionaire donor and cafeteria namesake continued. “That’s why Arrillaga Dining is offering families the opportunity to choose their baby seal live from an icy playpen and club it to death together. You know, as a bonding activity.”

 Andrew Dash, head chef at AFDC, agreed and noted that he’d never seen a more successful Family Weekend dining experience.

“There’s just something so special about watching a family of four take turns bludgeoning a helpless arctic animal to a pulp,” Dash said as joyous tears ran down his blood-stained face. “And then having the honor of serving the flattened corpse right back to them, seared in a zesty lemon tartar and topped with a finely-shredded ivory garnish made from real elephant tusk, is an absolutely beautiful experience.”

Now, following the success of the baby seal initiative, Mr. Arrillaga has announced plans to expand his “specialty foods” operation beyond just Parents Weekend. He is supposedly considering the addition of snow leopard, blue whale, or even the infamous black rhinoceros.

“Of course, black rhinos went extinct last year,” Dash clarified. “But Mr. Arrillaga… has his ways.”

Students who’d like to vote on what will be the next delicacy to grace the communal serving dishes of Arrillaga Family Dining Commons can text either “leopard”, “whale,” or “rhino” to 800-666-9696 at any time from now until whenever the World Wildlife Foundation catches on.

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