Report: Campus Rocked by Exploding-Butt-Related Deaths

February 21, 2017 12:00 pm
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Report: Campus Rocked by Exploding-Butt-Related Deaths

Stanford, CA – For months, the question of why so many people have died from their butts exploding has perplexed experts. In an in-depth report, we finally take a look at why the butts are exploding, how they’re exploding, and the impact the butt explosions have had on our community.

“Here’s what happens,” said Chief Health Official Gina Sterling. “Victims experience a powerful combustion right inside their butts, which violently separates the upper and lower halves of the body.” “Cruelly, the victim has a moment to turn around and examine their butt as it begins to explode, widening their eyes and gulping loudly. The upper half of the victims are catapulted through the air, sometimes blocks away. These torsos are flung into telephone wires, open fires, and beneath moving school buses. Still conscious, victims will cry out something like, ‘My buuutt! It blew up!’”

These butt deaths have taken an emotional toll as well. Aaron Hayward, a sophomore, was with his best friend Mitchell Cunningham when it happened. “We were jogging around Lake Lag…he loved to jog. All of a sudden he slowed down and his eyes got real big and he said ‘uh oh.’ The blast bounced his torso off a tree and into Lake Lag, where he drowned.” Hayward broke down in tears as he recounted the story. “He was my best friend. He was a painter.”

Asked what anyone can do to avoid this tragic fate, Sterling said, “The only thing you can do is be grateful for every moment you’re alive. Tell your parents you love them whenever you can, because all of your butts are jerry-rigged to explode at any moment.”