Let’s face it: There is one type of song that leaves the rest of music in the dust, and it’s the type you write about when we used to date. I saw on your Instagram, Twitter, Facebook, and Tumblr that you wrote a new one, so I listened to it. It’s clearly about me. And while it is undeniable that this song is uncomfortably personal and overdramatic, I am so pleased that you posted it for everyone to hear.
The song is beautiful. Your roommate’s keyboard sounds really excellent. Lyrics like “I’m alone” and “that whore” and “being seen with her was cool because she was so hot” remind me that romance is alive, and that the beautiful tunes of our love will live on forever.
Of course, I don’t want to get back together; after all our breakup was mutual, 5 years ago, and we’re both dating other people. But I’m just happy to be part of art, and I know you are too. At first I was a little worried that this song about our relationship might bother your current girlfriend, but then I remembered how much we ladies love deep boys, and I now realize it probably just really turns her on a lot. Boys who write deep songs are really really good. Everybody wants to have sex with them! And that’s why this music sounds so enchanting.
When we were dating, I never knew you were so romantic. But now that we’ve been broken up, the gentle strum of your acoustic guitar is making me see things in a new light. All of those memories – helping your neighbor install an air hockey table on Valentine’s day, me getting covered in leeches that time you convinced me to go skinny dipping, you forgetting to pick me up from the airport – none of that was “shitty.” It was deep. I definitely never want to date you again, but I can feel truly honored to be the ex-girlfriend subtly referenced in your music.