Men’s Bathroom—Some guy wearing Vans at the third stall from the left has an “absolutely gushing stream of urination”, according to an exasperated George Doverman (MCS ‘18), who, at press time, was desperately trying to ignore what sounded like a garden hose.

“I mean I know not everyone has stage fright like me, but is this guy over-performing on purpose just to make me nervous?” said a truly shaken Doverman. Aimlessly staring at an etching on the stall divider that vaguely resembles a stick attached to two spheres. Sophomore in the nearby stall Ben Khalil confirmed that he doesn’t know who this mysterious, brown-haired guy is, but he’s “pissing like a goddamn racehorse.”

Other bystanders included Assistant Psychology Professor Todd Bowles, who complained that he was trying to get some last minute reading done on the toilet, but “it sounds like fucking Niagara Falls in here.”

Doverman continued that after three full minutes of forceful urination, the brute next to him finally finished up with a satisfying sigh. “I guess some people are just naturally better than others – times like these really make me re-evaulate my strengths and weaknesses.”

Onlookers confirmed that Doverman, admitting defeat, eventually retreated to the estranged corner stall where no one could hear his embarrassing pitter patter.

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