Lamenting his declining grades, superficial friendships, and unfulfilled sexual desires, Beta Phi fraternity brother Duncan Brown reportedly screamed “WOOOOOOO!
” yesterday in an alcohol-fueled moment of existential madness. Evidently unhappy with his position in life and audibly regretful of past decisions, Brown went on to chug a can of beer, jump on a table and yell “Let’s go!
” in a feeble effort to both assert his self-worth and rediscover a lost and probably unrecoverable sense of youthful vitality. Then, in a needlessly grandiose display of athleticism—likely borne out of intense physical insecurity and a narcissistic desire for attention—sources confirmed Brown leaped from the table, landed on the fraternity’s lawn, and began “mobbing” aggressively with several party attendees before vomiting forcefully into a nearby bush. Amused onlookers, clearly ignorant of Brown’s severely depressed state, are reported to have cheered him on, crying “Yeah!
” and “Alright!” while Brown ejected any internal remnant of dignity into the hapless plant.
At press time, after viewing the disturbing scene, residents of the neighboring Elysium co-op reportedly scoffed, shook their heads, and returned to their rooms, spending the rest of the day sobbing violently in their own private hells.
