Stanford, CA—Although expressing disappointment at being unable to obtain a golf cart despite her recent knee surgery, sophomore Jennifer Phillips confirmed yesterday that she was still able to rent a lightly used AT-AT Walker to help her get to class. “The process to borrow a golf cart was a little tedious, so I just thought it might be easier to get something else,” reported Phillips, patting the mechanical behemoth on a towering, eighty-foot tall leg. “It was all so simple. No delays, no excessive paperwork, and I get heavy armor and blaster cannons—to be honest, I think way more people should be doing this.”

Phillips’ sentiment is shared by many of her peers, some of whom have already secured their own alternative methods of transportation. “Yeah I heard getting a golf cart was really hard—so I decided to get a dragon instead,” reported senior Brent Mackman. “After breaking my arm I thought I would have to walk for weeks. But then I started looking around on Google, going on Craigslist and poof—before long I had a spaded wyvern, no medical documentation needed.”

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