Leaf Blowers are the Chosen of God, and We Will Never See Their Faces

April 16, 2015 9:00 am
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Leaf Blowers are the Chosen of God, and We Will Never See Their Faces

Early this morning, as with every morning, surely before the sun begins to rise and the dew has yet to form on the blades of turf, His people have already risen and begun His work. Lesser beings like you and I can never hope to catch a glimpse of their pristine visage.

The chosen ones, carefully blessed by Saint Arrillaga, set forth to complete their work divine, clearing the glorious sidewalks of the 7 leaves that have fallen the night before. From within the austere walls of our residences, we can only bask in the dulcet tones of their instruments, the brief but wondrous 3 hour burst of emotion akin to a bovine beset with agony.

Any attempt to contact these marvelous beings is thwarted before it can begin. Before we are capable of forming coherent sentences, they have already vanished from the surface of the earth, leaving only the reverberations of their song ringing in our ears. Only those with the sacred ability to rise early can ever hope to encounter the miracle in progress. O how magnificent are the sidewalks we tread on! O how lovely are the hedges we set our eyes on!

Without these Blowers of Leaves the paths we walk would truly be treacherous, fraught with stray pieces of chlorophyll and woefully inadequate for traversal. Leaf Blowers are truly the Chosen of God, and we will never see their faces.