“After much deliberation and investigation,” said a representative of the Earth Sciences department, “we have concluded that the one tree between Crothers and Green Library is, in fact, trippy as fuck and that it was definitely not just the drugs you took last weekend.”
At Provost Etchemendy’s behest, a study was conducted by the Earth Sciences and Art Departments to determine whether something was actually wrong with the tree in the courtyard outside of Crothers.
“I’ll be the first to say that I was skeptical of the research potential of this investigation,” said a representative of the Art History department, “but holy fuck, you were right the whole time. That tree is an abomination and I do not understand at all why it is allowed to continue living on this earth, to say nothing of its placement on campus.”
“Honestly, I don’t know what we were thinking when we planted this tree here,” said a representative of Stanford Building and Grounds Maintenance. “It looks bad enough on its own, but for some reason we also decided to surround it with other weird-looking shrubs and trees, which aren’t even from the same biome.”
The study described the tree as “spindly,” “sickening,” and “a pale yellow normally associated only with mustard gas.” It went on to mention that the tree “is like an elder thing, left on from eons beyond the understanding of human minds” and “is living proof that there is no god.”
