This is your friendly Flipside reminder that Mother’s Day is quickly approaching! Don’t settle for the heartless JC Penney’s gift card. Instead, we’ve compiled some thoughts here that you may want to include in a heartwarming letter to your one and only mother:
1. Thanks for teaching me how to walk and only laughing under your breath every time I ate shit.
2. Thanks for dropping me off at preschool and causing me irreversible emotional trauma in the name of education.
3. Thanks for giving me the sibling(s) that my deluded self thought I wanted.
4. Thanks for breaking The Talk into two parts: the maturing part and the sex part. By the way, thanks again for squeezing my watermelon-head out of your garden-hose vagina.
5. Thanks for letting me walk around in unflattering yet overpriced clothing for the sake of fashion.
6. Thanks for going to that parent-teacher conference that only served to reflect badly on your parenting skills.
7. Thanks for pretending not to notice when I came home drunk that one time so that neither of us had to get into a fight we were too tired to do justice.
8. Thanks for helping me move out for college and hiding the fact that you have been planning to convert my room into a crafts corner for the past six months.
9. Thanks for calling me every time there is some sort of emergency on the west coast to make sure that I wasn’t hurt by that robbery in Los Angeles.
10. Thanks for being there when I come home, which may be in five weeks, eventually, or never…but at least it’s comforting to know that you’re exactly where I left you…which reminds me…Mom, have you seen my favorite t-shirt?