A penny saved is a penny earned, true. But in this day and age, when pennies are on the brink of decirculation, what does this really mean? Researchers from a number of Stanford’s academic departments released a report last Tuesday with the goal of redefining this age-old economic truism- and other outdated phrases- for the modern day. Their findings may shock you. A bitcoin saved, their research indicates, is 534 bitcoins earned (depending on market volatility), that a good man is hard to find if he has his location services turned off, and that, if it ain’t broke, you should still check for updates.

“This really is quite a breakthrough” said Seth Horowitz, a PhD candidate in statistics, “People used to say stuff like, ‘Birds of a feather flock together.’ And like you, I have no idea what that even means. But apparently it’s analogous to ‘Twitter users who know each other IRL like to make groupchats on Facebook.’ It’s amazing how much lies just below the surface of these mysterious idioms!”

Horowitz went on to show us some of the more puzzling challenges he faced in helping to prepare the report, including figuring out that “the early bird catches the worm” actually means “whoever gets to the YouTube video first gets to comment ‘FIRST!!!'”, and that “a watched pot never boils” is analogous to “when you watch your texts send, they always get stuck at that weird 80%ish mark”. Horowitz reiterated his enthusiasm for his project. “Imagine all the information we’ve uncovered” he said, “I mean, it may well be that those old people who said this stuff before we were alive actually were smart!”

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