In an event bound to enflame the already tense feud between Stanford’s rival East and West Campus gangs, University president John Hennessy, known informally as MC Hennasty, was killed in a drive-by shooting near the Main Quad at 2:53 AM Tuesday morning. Witnesses claim Hennessy was “straight thuggin’” at the time with fellow aspiring rap artists John “Johnny Alchemy-mendy” Etchemendy (known more generally as Stanford’s provost) and Harry “Big Eezy” Elam (the Vice Provost for Undergraduate Education), when an unmarked caravan of jet-black bikes rolled in. Shots were fired, and the perpetrators escaped into the night. “We have reason to believe the suspects were riding bicycles in the arcades at the time of the shooting,” reported Stanford police chief Mark Levenston, “this is obviously unacceptable.”

This comes at an uneasy time. With the Cedro Brotherhood having consolidated their hold over Wilber and La Robles Familia returning to power after years of oppression by the Lagunita Kings, turf around the Main Quad is ripe for the picking. Additionally, given the recent release of Hennessy’s “diss track” titled “Hit ‘ Em Up in dat Administrative Office”, a clear shot at longtime rival Randy “ThugLivin” Livingston (Stanford’s Vice President for Business Affairs), many wondered if a physical altercation was all but inescapable.

Tina “DoubleTrouble” Dobleman, Stanford’s head of Risk Management and long- time member of the Hennasty posse, cited factors such as the massive underground used-textbook trade and rampant over-caffeination as causes in the recent rise in student-related violence. She ended her analysis with a warning that if she were ever to see Randy Livingstonon on Escondido, he might not make it back to the next Executive Board meeting.

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