As part of the Office of Alcohol Policy & Education’s push for sober alternatives to high-risk drinking activities, the Philosophy department received funding to host “Thirsty for Knowledge” Thursdays, which they all but guarantee is going to be a campus-wide hit.

“My friends have tried playing bingo, watching movies, and we’ve even flirted with Cardinal Nights as alternatives to getting totally shit-housed,” says Sophomore Andy Markham, “All were pretty disappointing, but I think discussing the existentialism in Kafka’s later work is the fun we were looking to have all along.”

Preparations are well underway, and rumors have been swirling that the famed Dr. John Etchemendy may make an appearance this Friday, delivering a verbatim repeat of his 2010 lecture on the “Ethics of Metaphysics” that reduced most of his audience to tears of pure, stoic joy.

Enthusiasm for the event has apparently remained undampened despite reports of drunken, homeless, thickly-bearded men showing up at Building 90 and yelling both facts and obscenities about post-modernism several days before opening night.

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