After hearing roommate Leroy White mutter a series of racial slurs while reading an article detailing President Barak Obama’s recent speech at the United Nations, Arroyo resident and self-proclaimed hate-mongerer Dirk Hitchens reported that he was incredibly relieved that the man who sleeps across the room from him was just as racist and close-minded as himself.

“Growing up, I always associated myself with people who were just like me and hated all those of different ethnicities or had other characteristics that differentiated themselves from me. To put it simply, I grew up and have fueled my entire life on unprovoked hatred. I think it was this unique perspective that actually got me accepted to Stanford,” proudly proclaimed Hitchens. “As a result, I was understandably nervous that my roommate would not share the same beliefs as myself, and I did not want to offend him by bringing up my view. Luckily after hearing Leroy refer to Obama as a [redacted], I knew we were going to get along great.”

When asked for comment, White proceeded to yell a variety of racial slurs at this African American reporter.

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