The last thing James Halpern remembered before passing out was the curve of his upcoming orgo midterm. He was lost in the Stacks of Green Library, so exhausted by practice problems that the bookshelves had disintegrated into carbon chains. “I woke up the next morning on a cold musty floor and thought, ‘This isn’t me. I’m not meant for this life.’ Then I promptly bought a new BMX bike with rims and began to see a way out.”

According to Halpern, his midterm crisis drove him to the brink of El Camino Real. “Stern Late Nite, movies at Flicks, Nyquil, even GTL, none of them seemed to work!” he added. Things began to turn around, however, when he bought a liquid nitrogen cooled beer pong table. Suddenly, he found himself a trophy screw-your-roommate date, got a free soda at Ike’s, scored some great coke from a homeless guy near EBF and became pen pals with Tucker Max.

“It was epiphany,” said his best friend Mike Maroni. “He practically changed overnight.” Halpern has recently dropped his IHUM, Lesbian Survival in Ancient Babylonia, and is shopping for new courses. To celebrate the change in their son’s demeanor, his parents bought him a brand-new Five Star binder.

“Words can’t describe my experiences over the past few days,” Halpern concluded. “Next time I go to PWR, I’m bringing a Four Loko.”

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