With Admit Weekend rolling around, A Capella groups far and wide are prepping their recruitment pitches. Using such enticing draws as “becoming a theater kid, ‘but cool’” and “being used like a pledge to do humiliating things in public without ever actually getting to join a fraternity” has not been enough since the mass second-hand embarrassment of the Pitch Perfect 2 riff-off, so they are resorting to shadier means.
Despite comments from the Admit Weekend Committee such as, “I don’t know where these comically large checks are coming from” and “Who are you?” Our most dedicated reporters have found that the collective A Capella groups of Stanford have paid a lump sum of 1 million Cardinal dollars (only able to be redeemed at Decadence) to the Admit Weekend Committee for favorable showings such as the A Capella Showcase happening Friday, April 24th from 7-8 P.M. One committee member explained his favorable vote for Counterpoint to open: “I can’t handle all these women throwing themselves at me, it’s too much!”
When asked whether this is ethical, especially given the complete chud status of every notable A Capella group on campus, a representative from the worst A Capella group (and I won’t say which group it is because we ALL know) attempted to assault the reporter, only to be batted back on account of their weak-ass frame and general loser physiognomy.
