STANFORD, CA— In a stunning adaptation to campus culture, the Jehovah’s Witnesses who table in White Plaza have abandoned their traditional approach of quiet proselytization in favor of a far more effective recruitment strategy: boba and free merch.
After years of struggling to hold the attention of Stanford students sprinting between classes, clubs, and “the newest AI start-up” side hustles, the religious group realized they were fighting a losing battle. That is, until one of their members had a divine revelation: Stanford students will show up to literally anything if there is free food and swag.
“We tried everything,” lamented Sister Linda, a longtime White Plaza evangelist. “Approaching students directly? They put in AirPods and pretend we don’t exist. Offering literature? They just say ‘I’ll read it later’ and then throw it out while maintaining eye contact. But the moment we put out a sign that said ‘FREE BOBA’—we had a line longer than LAIR three hours before psets are due”
Now, every Tuesday and Thursday from 11 AM to 2 PM, students can grab a Jehovah’s Witness-approved Taro Milk Tea (sans caffeine) while discussing salvation and the end times. The boba operation has been so successful that they had to implement a QR code waitlist for interested students, an innovation borrowed from free-chipotle-giving consulting firms.
“Look, I was just here for the boba,” admitted Jake, a sophomore majoring in Symbolic Systems, as he clutched a pamphlet titled What If The Kingdom of God Was an RSO? “But now that I’m here… I dunno, maybe I do want to know about the Book of Revelation? They really got me with the free tote bag.”
Only time will tell if the strategy truly converts anyone—but if there’s anything Stanford students love more than free stuff, it’s finding out what’s trending… and right now, the hottest ticket in White Plaza is Jehovah’s Witnesses Boba Hour.
