September
The entire incoming freshman class is hospitalized after they all simultaneously jump into a fountain and break their necks, forcing classes to start a day late. The Ice Bucket Challenge bombards your newsfeed as you ignore the numerous requests to waste water. Sophomores learn to live with the new and “interesting” smells of Crothers.
The administration decides to replace Meyer Memorial Library with the Meyer Memorial Library Memorial.
October
The full moon arrives, as it does every month, but this one is special because everyone makes out. Windhover opens as a refuge from the hustle-and-bustle of campus life, and quickly becomes a great place to study and stress out. Leland Stanford Jr. rises from the grave, ready to party, but we are all at White Plaza eating free fries.
November
Jewish Christmas comes early this year. One Congressional candidate beats another Congressional candidate, though we all know you never voted. McDonald’s decides on the motto “Lovin’ Beats Hatin,’” which we all hate. Thanksgiving gives Arrillaga Dining excuse to feed us turkey leftovers until our internal organs slowly turn to turkey themselves.
December
Water inundates campus in a last ditch effort to remain relevant in California. James Franco only second most attractive person in controversial film The Interview, according to North Korean news sources. Your hot cousin makes you uncomfortable at the family Christmas party.
January
Ringing in the new year busts your ear drums. One unusually stupid person is still writing 2013 on checks. The divestment movement proves once and for all that if hard-working, caring students organize themselves, they can teach us the definition of the word divestment. Meanwhile, student would have run out of toothpaste if he used it enough.
February
The New England Patriots’ balls are found to be smaller than claimed. A lone tumbleweed blows slowly through the now empty halls of Cedro. Facebook asked us whether the dress was black and blue or awful and annoying. The ASSU changes its mind, and our hearts.
March
The administration is determined to erase the memory of Meyer Library, hiding the ruins behind fences. Spring break leaves us all one week closer to death. Mexico is sick of drunk Americans trashing their beaches and drinking all their tequila. The Flipside celebrates its 200th year of publication for the first time.
April
Left shark is still funny, dammit. Admit weekend protests lead to record enrollments. Students are relieved that all their opinions have already been voiced for them in Daily Op-Eds. The same administrators who deny arts clubs funding are terribly impressed by Hairspray.
May
A bunch of Stanford athletics teams win again (surprised?). Edward Snowden tries to Skype Barack Obama, but accidentally ends up talking to a bunch of public policy majors. Oprah manages to one-up both Snowden and Obama.
Floyd Mayweather proves to the world that he is, unquestionably, the most repulsive man in sports.
June
Teary-eyed seniors chant “fif-TEEN” for first time since NSO. Seniors doing the wacky walk are worried that their ideas are not quite wacky enough. Pranksters decided to fill the Class of 2015 time capsule with a big bunch of civil unrest.
