1810s:
Cotton Gin Found To Not Be As Tasty As Regular Gin
Sacajawea Threatens To Turn This Goddamn Expedition Right Around
1820s:
Simon Bolivar Defeats Jose de San Martin in a Thumb War to Decide Who Gets to Name Things
1830s:
Op-Ed: Dammit, I Forgot the Alamo Again
1840s:
“California Gold Rush Just Myth,” Reports Rich Local Prospector on Gold-Plated Train
The Seneca Falls But Gets Up Because She’s A Strong Independent Woman
1850s:
Commodore Perry Attributes Japanese Success To “Lots of Practice With Barn Doors”
1860s:
Civil War Ends All Racism!
1870s:
First Telephone Conversation Ends In Accidental ‘I Love You’
1880s:
California Railway Magnate Family Gives Back to “Common American;” Founds School with 5% Admission Rate
1890:
Area Man Buys New Pair of Knickerbockers, Still Unfuckable
1900s:
Ford Motor Company Builds First Car, a 2003 Toyota Matrix
Crying baby totally ruins Wright Brother’s first flight
1910s:
Op-Ed: Wait, Why Are We Calling This “World War I”?
Einstein’s Theory of General Relativity Earns Him a Solid Handy
Ottoman Empire Liquidated—Couches, Armchairs Also On Sale
1920s:
Women Finally Earn Right To Choose Not To Vote
1930s:
Germans Run Out Of Snow, Poverty; Invade Poland To Take Theirs
1940s:
1947 Chinese Revolution, Cheaper, Faster Than American One
Oppenheimer Drops Hottest New Mixtape of 1945, “Manhattan Project EP”
1950s:
Watson and Crick Discover DNA, Are Immediately Deemed “Not the Father”
“Pre-Teen Adamant She Does Not ‘Like-Like’ Ike”
1960s:
Woman Discovers She’s Been Burning the Wrong Size Bra All Along
Laika The Dog Goes To Space And My Dog Gets Poop Stuck In Its Fur
Civil Right Movement Ends All Racism!
1970s:
Failed Disney Foray Into Chinese Market With “Mickey Mao’s Club”
“Khmer Rouge Worst Chanel Product Ever”
1980s:
Lone Man Excited To Go To East Germany After Fall of Berlin Wall
“The Beastie Boys Have Finally Arrived In Brooklyn And They Are So Tired Now”
1990s:
First Picture of A Boob Sent Over Internet, Shortly Followed by First Unwanted Dick Pic
2000s:
Truth No Longer Inconvenient, Just Really Fucking Annoying
