STANFORD, CA – After weeks of enduring threatening rallies from Stanford students, the top 200 oil companies have announced that they will divest from Stanford University if Stanford does not curb its students’ “toxic rhetoric.”
“We have become increasingly worried by the tone of Stanford students regarding their university’s investment portfolio,” said a representative from British Petroleum. “We would just like the university to know that two can play at this game.”
This initiative, spearheaded by Enron, would be the first of its kind: never before have oil and gas companies banded together to protest against a private university. Gazprom executives have confided that they are optimistic that this will only be the first of many such movements. Previously, the industry has used the strategy of bankrolling universities in Texas to garner support, and some CEOs are anxious to try the new, bold strategy of “not giving them money for a change.”
Representatives of the oil industry were also quick to point out that Stanford didn’t exactly have its hands clean itself. “I’ve heard they regularly take hours in the shower,” said one such representative. “And last time I went through Wilbur, the bathrooms were covered in old flyers. This is not the face of sustainability.”
All eyes are on Stanford now as the pressure mounts from both sides. Enron representatives, however, remain outwardly cool and confident with their stance going into this coming time of crisis. “I don’t believe there’s anything to worry about in these “green initiatives.” At least, I think they’re green. I haven’t really been able to see color ever since that accident with the oil-fire. But the point is Big Oil is taking a stance, and I know the world will respect us for standing by our convictions.”
