Noting that Stanford “focuses too much on that nerdy jazz,” University President Marc Tessier Lavigne announced in his “Vision for Stanford 2018,” that his main goal for the coming year is to increase the attractiveness of the student population.


“We’ve already got the quickest computers and the oldest books,” said MTL in a public statement issued last Tuesday. “Let’s focus on what really matters – making Stanford the hottest school in the world.”


MTL has long advocated for enhancing Stanford students’ attractiveness. In 2017, he pioneered the “H.O.T” initiative—Healthy Lifestyles, Outdoor exercise, and Tanning. However, this vision represents a bold new strategy.


“H.O.T. has been a great success, but it only gets you so far,” admitted MTL. “We need to up the multifactor-composite hotness score of the entering freshman and then use H.O.T. to build from there.”


To achieve this goal, MTL’s Vision declared that Stanford Admissions would now request headshots and other ‘dynamically posed’ pictures from all future applicants.


“We’re projecting this strategy will take us from about a mean hotness of 6.8 to 8.7 in just two years,” MTL said, tracing along a linear graph with a y-axis spanning from Danny Devito to Johnny Depp. “And from there we’ll really start crushing it because of network effects—face it, hot people want to be with other hot people.”


Some are concerned that assessing attractiveness in this way will give unfair advantage to hot, rich people, who can afford to hire professional photographers for glamour photoshoots.


“To all of you worried about hot, rich people having a leg up on other hot people, don’t worry. I can assure you that I’m all about equal opportunity for hot people. To that end, I’ll be having a special summer camp for all the hot people who want to come and do things like play beach volleyball, sun tan on my lawn, and swim in my pool. Because nothing’s hotter than equality.”


The Office of the President stated that MTL will be taking questions while sunbathing on the lawn of the presidential mansion next Monday. However, the official office log did stipulate you have to be at least a “solid 8” to have access to the property (Bosetti).

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