Stating that he was “totally distraught” after hearing about how the Northern California fires had destroyed homes and lives in numerous towns and cities including many wine-growing regions, Kyle Brosner, a junior and notorious frat star,  called an emergency meeting of all the brothers of his fraternity.

“I’m sure you have all heard the news,” Brosner began in a somber tone. “100,000 people displaced, 7,000 homes destroyed. Nearly thirty people dead at the last count. And of course, dozens of wineries destroyed.”

He paused and allowed the gravity of the situation to sink in. “Brothers, I have called this meeting today because we need to understand the real, real consequences of such a devastating event. With so many wineries damaged or destroyed we have to seriously consider the scarcity of wine and likelihood that the price will rise significantly.”

The devastating truth laid bare, the meeting descended into chaos.

Jeremy Tanner, a brother and current sophomore, shouted over the din, “First my running schedule got screwed up because of all the smoke and now this? Does this mean we will have to raise dues? Just because people don’t know how to fight a forest fire?”

They presented a two-pronged attack to deal with the problem—exploring cheaper boxed-wine alternatives and raising dues slightly.

“It wasn’t easy agreeing to raise dues and switching to more boxed-wine like Franzia,” concluded Brosner. “Personally, I love getting wasted with a good bottle of Napa Valley Cabernet Sauvignon. This is a hardship for all of us, but in the hardest of times we come together as brothers, support each other and make sacrifices.”

Our thoughts and our prayers go out to these brothers, and we hope they can continue slapping the bag.

Sign Up for Our Newsletter

Get the Stanford Flipside sent to your inbox!

You May Also Like

Study Confirms That Bitches, As Suspected, Ain’t Shit But Hoes and Tricks

When Dr. Dre proposed in his seminal theoretical work, “The Chronic”, the…

Study Finds: If Your Hand is Bigger than Your Face You Need Surgery

In a packed auditorium on Saturday, Stanford Hospital Director Ken Toshi informed…

Connections to Steroid Ring Finally Explain Peyton Manning’s Giant Forehead

Following last week’s announcement of an upcoming Al-Jazeera documentary that alleges that…