New York City, NY—After months of surveillance and intelligence gathering, the director of the National Counterterrorism Center, Nicholas Rasmussen, confirmed yesterday that a Muppets task force has successfully dismantled a terror cell in Lower Manhattan. Upon receiving a credible tip from an anonymous source, NCTC representatives confirm that the intensively trained unit—headed by operatives Kermit the Frog and Fozzie Bear—raided a vacant Chelsea apartment building housing seven suspected terrorists, killing five and apprehending two.
“This is truly heroic work from our operatives,” said Rasmussen in a public appearance outside NCTC headquarters in Mclean, Virginia. “Of course, intelligence gathering at the headquarters is also an invaluable part of our mission, but without the bravery of field agents like Miss Piggy, Gonzo, and Pepe the King Prawn, none of our information would actually save lives. We are indebted to their service, and owe them thanks.”
Deflecting the praise of a grateful nation, the Muppets insisted that they were simply doing their duty. “Every time we step out in the field, we have a job to do, and we do it, simple as that,” reported Rizzo the Rat while cleaning the barrel of an MK 18 assault rifle. “The terrorists don’t take breaks, so neither do we. And to any of them that might be hearing this right now, I’ve got one thing to say: you will face justice.”
Kermit the Frog, the leader of the assault team, forcefully echoed Rizzo the Rat’s sentiments. “We’ll die to keep this nation safe,” Kermit stated plainly during a break in his intensive military calisthenics routine. “And if we do die, I promise we’ll take as many of those scumbags with us as we can.”
When asked what motivates the terrorists, the green frog scoffed. “Frankly, I don’t know. I doubt those dipshits will find any virgins when we send them to hell.”
