Dear Trump Supporter,

A lot of my friends rushed this quarter. Originally I didn’t think Greek life was for me so I skipped out on it, but now that almost all of my friends have joined frats and sororities I’m starting to feel like maybe I’m missing out.

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Do you have any advice?

-Left Behind in Larkin

Listen, Left Behind,

I’m not sure what’s going here, I woke up in this pit, and I just found this computer and your email’s there? The walls are really tall and I can’t get out, and it doesn’t look like there’s anyone nearby who can help. Can you explain to me what’s going on?

-Jeff, who is currently stuck in a 10-foot ditch

Dear Trump Supporter,

I know everyone says your senior spring is supposed to be so fun, but I’m squeezing in so many classes that I feel like I don’t have any time to go out with my friends. How do you do work-life balance?

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-Stressed Out in Slav

Stressed Out, you need to help me. I don’t know why I’m here, I just woke up here, and the emails keep coming in. Why am I here? Why does everyone insist on referring to me as a Trump supporter? I mean, I think he makes some good points but I don’t see what my political affiliation has to do with me being in this pit or helping you.

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-Jeff my name is Jeff god damn it

Dear Trump Supporter,

I’m not sure how to phrase this politely, but I legitimately don’t understand how you can consciously make the decision to cast your political allegiance to an openly xenophobic misogynist. What do you have to say for yourself?

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-Feeling the Bern in Branner

Bern,

I am sorry that my political opinions have somehow offended you. However, I am currently preoccupied attempting to scale the walls of my strange prison. There seems to be enough canned food and water here to last quite some time, but I must say that it’s very boring here and I’m trying my best to leave. If you can, send help and I’d be happy to talk politics with you.

Thanks,

Jeff

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