After a long-awaited and singularly cathartic Sex Week, half of Stanford’s satiated couples are now wincing at the notion of seven consecutive days of spooning, massages, and wholly unsolicited snuggles.

“My man wants us to set up a booth in White Plaza where he can run his finger across my back and stare contemplatively into my eyes,” one boyfriend lamented. “God, why can’t this be Shake Hands Firmly, Roll Over, and Fall Asleep on Our Respective Sides of the Bed Week?”

A campus girlfriend complained, “My boyfriend is trying to popularize post-coital ‘wrap your legs and arms around your girlfriend and fall asleep while you sweat all over her and she suffocates.’ Sex Week was amazing, but what’s wrong with Personal Space Week as well? These beds are really small.”

This celebration of post-coital intimacy is to be hosted by SARA and her boyfriend Stephen, who, SARA insists, absolutely loves to talk about his day after a passionate bout of lovemaking. “This should be a great warm-up for Look, We Need to Define the Relationship Week next fall,” SARA added, gesturing sternly at Stephen. “Right, Stephen? Isn’t that right? Awww, I thought so Stevey Weavey.”

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