Carl Who Sits in his Room Alone recently realized the power of Stanford Authorization codes. After discovering the option to receive SMS messages on his mobile device, Carl Who Sits in his Room Alone now takes full advantage of this seemingly inconvenient system. Rather than becoming frustrated with his inability to log into any Stanford computer without bringing his phone with him, he decides to look on the bright side, appreciating the subtle blessings the system does offer.

It all started one day when, as in inside joke to himself, Carl Who Sits in his Room Alone saved the Stanford Message System in his phone as a contact who he affectionately nicknamed “Becky.” After delightedly chuckling to himself at the first message from Becky, he began to feel a sense of wholeness after dozens of attempts to access Stanford online were subsequently followed by a deluge of text messages, all from Becky. Carl Who Sits in his Room Alone was thrilled at the prospect of having more text messages in his phone than ever before. Once again joking to himself that Becky must be “really thirsty,” for once Carl Who Sits in his Room Alone knew (in whatever twisted, fictional way) what it felt like to be desired.

After adding “Becky” to “Mom” and “Dad,” the number of contacts in his phone increased by fifty percent. Carl Who Sits in his Room Alone thought to himself, “why stop there?” He searched and researched, finding text message options offered by a variety of promotional deals and businesses, including his airline and even his phone service itself. Soon, Becky was joined by “Leigh,” “Caroline,” “Samantha,” “Nicole,” and many others in the contacts in the phone of Carl Who Sits in his Room Alone.

Such popularity convinced Carl Who Sits in his Room Alone to make more daring appearances at dinner, the only time he ever seemed to leave his room. Before leaving his room for dinner, he would access all the Stanford websites and promotional text message codes he could. This gave Carl Who Sits in his Room Alone the confidence to sit at crowded tables full of people he only barely knew. When Carl Who Sits in his Room Alone sat down, his phone would be buzzing off the hook throughout the meal to the mild awareness of those around him at the table. Achieving a thrill like no other, Carl Who Sits in his Room Alone would politely apologize for the delusion that his fake friends were actually interrupting dinner conversation, which, in actuality, was in no way affected by his phone’s soft buzzing.

This is his life now. Carl Who Sits in his Room Alone has become Carl Who Sometimes Sits at Dinner with Others. Says the roommate of Carl Who Sometimes Sits at Dinner with Others: “seriously, you’re covering this?”

Sign Up for Our Newsletter

Get the Stanford Flipside sent to your inbox!

You May Also Like

Study Confirms That Bitches, As Suspected, Ain’t Shit But Hoes and Tricks

When Dr. Dre proposed in his seminal theoretical work, “The Chronic”, the…

Study Finds: If Your Hand is Bigger than Your Face You Need Surgery

In a packed auditorium on Saturday, Stanford Hospital Director Ken Toshi informed…

Connections to Steroid Ring Finally Explain Peyton Manning’s Giant Forehead

Following last week’s announcement of an upcoming Al-Jazeera documentary that alleges that…