After weeks of debate, the US Supreme Court has announced its ruling in the case of Young and Walgreen Co. v. the State of California. In a 5-4 decision, the Court ruled in favor of the Walgreen pharmacy chain and California resident Dennis Young, concluding that an individual can marry any corporation of their choosing. The majority opinion, written by Justice Antonin Scalia, drew heavily on the 2010 Citizens United decision in which the Court found that corporations are entitled to the same first amendment rights as individuals who are actually individuals.

“Marriage is a fundamental civil right to which corporations, as individuals, are obviously entitled,” said Justice Scalia. “This is a victory for anyone who believes that the government should recognize a loving, committed relationship between a person and an abstract legal construct.”

Critics of the decision take issue with the the right-leaning justices who have done so much to extend the status of personhood to corporations, and yet remain staunchly opposed to same-sex marriage. However, the conservative wing of the Court is holding fast.

“The thing is, corporations are basically individuals and so deserve protection under the Bill of Rights. Homosexuals are also individuals, but shouldn’t be allowed to get married because that defies the traditional definition of marriage,” explained Justice Samuel Alito. “What’s not to understand?”

Various politicians with close corporate ties have publicly expressed support for the decision.

“I’m ecstatic that I can finally make my relationship with AT&T official. AT&T has always been there for me, supporting me financially and, well, mostly financially” said House Speaker John Bohner. “When we’re in bed, AT&T says things like, ‘Oh John, fuck me like your tax policy fucks the middle class and working poor.’ It’s some pretty sexy stuff.”

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