Sources report that Stanford’s mandatory online Alcohol Edu program for freshman helped freshman Ben Zimmerman make better choices about alcohol last Thursday night.

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“I was totally about to get my slizz on,” Zimmerman told the Flipside earlier this week “but then I remembered that I didn’t even pass Alcohol Edu the first time because I was too lazy to open Wikipedia when I took the final assessment. I said to myself ‘whoa Ben, you better slow down!

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’” The freshman’s friends reported that a visibly more mature Zimmerman took a few half-hearted shots before murmuring something about “staying in the social zone” and “Amy Winehouse” before leaving the pre-game.

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“It’s perfectly normal to have fun without alcohol,” said Zimmerman, who has maintained sobriety since Thursday, “for example, Saturday afternoon I went base jumping, hang gliding, and driving without a seatbelt. These activities are totally awesome and don’t lead to bad decisions, like alcohol does.

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“It’s really scary to think where I could be right now,” Zimmerman said. “Without those hours of surveys and profoundly moving scenarios, I’d probably be puking into someone else’s mouth, penguin style.

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