Contrary to popular belief, Stanford’s most pressing tree competition takes place between real, wooden trees rather than masochistic undergraduates. Recently, the pulse of the streets and the banter on the police wire has lead to the uncovering of an age–old secret tree competition.

A team of investigative reporters has been hard at work for years now, slowly following lead after lead until the truth about these competitions was unveiled earlier this week. For decades now under the cover of night and in the outlying forests of Stanford campus a tree “mortal combat” of sorts has been transpiring. On the verge of each decade’s passing many species of trees converge to send their best tree warriors into the gladiatorial mess of winner-takes-all competition. Many trees enter, but only one tree may leave and earn his species the right to line the famously contested “Palm” Drive and membership in the world renowned Stanford “Band.”

Collecting information from many first hand accounts the team was able to put together a plotline of this year’s recent competition. “It all happened on Monday,” one eyewitness told reporters, “in the clearing near the Mausoleum.” The three rounds of the competition include a beauty pageant, a growing competition, and a tree vs. tree wrestle-off. Each round is mediated and judged by a counsel of elder Stanford forest creatures, which not surprisingly consists mostly of black squirrels.

Highlights of this year’s competition included a beautifully pruned and well-mannered Weeping Willow who stole the spotlight at the beauty pageant. A Redwood stunned the crowd with a 3/8ths of an inch of growth in the allotted hour. The Palm tree, however, stole the show once again furthering his species near monopoly of the Stanford campus for another ten years.

After coming in close second in the other rounds the Palm’s bendable frame proved unconquerable in the wrestling competition where it played an Ali-esque rope-a-dope with his adversaries. Valiant efforts were made by all, but the Palm claimed victory for his species once again.

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