The Sturgeon Mary: a Tale

Jesus, take the eel! After news breaking of an apparently immaculately-conceived marine…

Opinion: Joe Biden Needs To Whip Out His Dick On Stage If He Wants To Win In 2024

Let’s face it. We live in a patriarchal society. buy isotroin online…

Progressive, I Guess? Turtles Can Vote Now, But They Blindly Support Racist Candidates

In a bold leap towards inclusivity, Congress has passed the ‘Testudine Suffrage…

Halloween Midterms Just Finished, Now It’s Time to Enter Final Form

Halloweekend, close second for the title of “drunkest five days on campus”…

Sam Bankman-Fried calls $8,000,000,000 fraud “just a prank, bro”

NEW YORK—After being found guilty by a 12-member jury on seven counts…

Democracy Day Gone Woke: Organizers Cancelled Over Lack of Representation for Students from Authoritarian Regimes

Alex Smith (’24), a North Korean exchange student, has never felt more villainized…

This Horny Little Guy’s Favorite Part of Thanksgiving is Stuffing the Turkey

Thanksgiving is finally coming up, a holiday meant to celebrate gratitude and…

Op-Ed: Please Stop Saying “Fuck Cal”, My Ass Hurts

Berkley Student Calvin Juan, or better known as Cal, claims to be…

Head Coach Troy Taylor to Try “Gentle Parenting Our Football Team Into a Win

In a recent press conference following Stanford football’s upsetting defeat to the…

Report: It Takes Knowing Where The Clit Is To Not Touch It

In a groundbreaking discovery that has shaken the very foundations of modern…