Stupid Salsa Verde Not Guac and Never Will Be

February 13, 2017 12:00 pm
Stupid Salsa Verde Not Guac and Never Will Be

Eyewitnesses at Stern Dining have reported that the cafeteria’s salsa verde is trying real hard to look like guacamole but that it doesn’t, can’t, and never will. It just isn’t smart enough. “That stupid, stupid salsa verde is acting like people actually think it’s guac”, noted regular Stern diner and […]

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Water-Filled Coffee Thermos Way Too Qualified For This Shit

February 6, 2017 12:00 pm
Water-Filled Coffee Thermos Way Too Qualified For This Shit

Realizing the whole of its temperature-maintaining design ethos was being ignored so that it could serve as a “glorified Poland Spring disposable”, the coffee thermos owned by Yusef Dominguez insisted on Monday that it was way too overqualified for its current work assignment. “Do you see what I’m being used […]

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Nation’s Creeps Report Woman’s Hair Looks Really Soft

January 30, 2017 12:00 pm
Nation’s Creeps Report Woman’s Hair Looks Really Soft

Staring vacantly into the crowd covering their address, the National Association of Creeps reported yesterday that local woman Maria Richards’ hair looks really soft. Coming from across the country to share their findings with the press, the Association informed reporters that not only does Maria definitely have really soft hair, […]

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Roommate Exiled to Svalbard

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Roommate Exiled to Svalbard

In an unfortunate misunderstanding, sophomore Eric Robertson was exiled by his roommate late last Friday night to the remote Norwegian island of Svalbard in the high arctic. According to various residents of Crothers Hall, the dorm where the exiling occurred, Eric and his room mate were seen conversing quietly before […]

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Literature Researchers Discover Every Single Novel Is Actually a Subtle Critique of Capitalism

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Literature Researchers Discover Every Single Novel Is Actually a Subtle Critique of Capitalism

A Stanford postdoctoral research team has released groundbreaking new research in the field of comparative literature that, if validated by the academic community, would mean that every single novel ever written is actually a subtle yet biting critique of the capitalist system. “At first, our team believed that only a […]

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Report: Alarm Going Off

January 25, 2017 12:00 pm
Report: Alarm Going Off

Yesterday evening, a strange noise was heard coming from FloMo’s Faisan house, but officials could neither identify nor pinpoint the source of the sound. Describing the sound as a repeated, piercing “EEEEEE, EEEEEE, EEEEEE,” followed by a short break, and then another “EEEEEE, EEEEEE, EEEEEE,” students were remarkably puzzled by […]

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Stanford Unveils New Science Library And It’s Very Sexy

January 23, 2017 12:01 pm
Stanford Unveils New Science Library And It’s Very Sexy

After months of work, construction on Stanford’s ‘Old Chemistry Building’ has finally been completed. The revamped structure is no longer solely for chemistry. The newly unveiled Sapp Center, as it is called, is a general science center and library for undergraduate students studying biology and mathematics, and it is also […]

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Ski Trips Cancelled Due To Reported Sightings of Tupac In Tahoe Area

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Ski Trips Cancelled Due To Reported Sightings of Tupac In Tahoe Area

Stanford administration has released a statement expressing its disappointment over the rumor claiming that all ski trips going up to Lake Tahoe and the surrounding areas were cancelled due to poor weather, as previously thought. The statement also provided the correct cause of the cancellations: reports by many individuals stated […]

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Letter To Students On Maintenance Of The Stanford Brand™

January 17, 2017 12:00 pm
Letter To Students On Maintenance Of The Stanford Brand™

Dear Stanford Student™, When you joined Stanford University™, you joined not only a brilliant, diverse, hotbed of innovation, but also a community that values self-expression above all else. As an administration, we support students in their out-of-the-box thinking and identities. In light of recent events, however, we would like to […]

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Op-Ed: I Used To Think Alcohol Was Cool But Now I Know It’s Wack AF

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Op-Ed: I Used To Think Alcohol Was Cool But Now I Know It’s Wack AF

By Mikey Fresh Listen peeps, I’m a student and I know what it’s like to want to drink alcohol. You’re at a bitchin’ party on campus, the DJ starts spinning Ludacris tracks, and there are hotties aplenty. Suddenly you look around and other students are holding red solo cups filled […]

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