Articles by: Matt Jeakle

Quote of the Week 2/20

February 21, 2017 11:00 amComments Off on Quote of the Week 2/20
Quote of the Week 2/20

“Do you know who I am?” – Shithead, or guy with amnesia (M. Jeakle)

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Cartoon Character Hospitalized As Eyes Turn Into Money Signs

November 28, 2016 11:59 amComments Off on Cartoon Character Hospitalized As Eyes Turn Into Money Signs
Cartoon Character Hospitalized As Eyes Turn Into Money Signs
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Report: *Wah Wah Waaaaaah sound effect*

November 14, 2016 12:00 pmComments Off on Report: *Wah Wah Waaaaaah sound effect*
Report: *Wah Wah Waaaaaah sound effect*
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Freshmen Whose Tattoos Line Up To Form Map To Ancient City Of Mlo’torman Just Ok Friends

October 31, 2016 12:00 pmComments Off on Freshmen Whose Tattoos Line Up To Form Map To Ancient City Of Mlo’torman Just Ok Friends
Freshmen Whose Tattoos Line Up To Form Map To Ancient City Of Mlo’torman Just Ok Friends
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Athlete Roommate just Ferris Bueller-Style Tape Recorder

October 10, 2016 12:00 pmComments Off on Athlete Roommate just Ferris Bueller-Style Tape Recorder
Athlete Roommate just Ferris Bueller-Style Tape Recorder
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The 5 Most Impressive Stanford Students, Ranked By How Sad They Are Right Before They Go To Sleep

March 28, 2016 12:00 pmComments Off on The 5 Most Impressive Stanford Students, Ranked By How Sad They Are Right Before They Go To Sleep
The 5 Most Impressive Stanford Students, Ranked By How Sad They Are Right Before They Go To Sleep

Cameron Yi Cameron may have invented a portable defibrillator for remote hospitals in the third world, but he still feels an unexplainable weight in his chest in the last few minutes before he closes his eyes. It could be from the time his babysitter locked him in the bathroom as […]

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Op-Ed: I Wrote a 50 Shades/Blues Clues Crossover And Now I Can’t Sleep

March 4, 2015 12:00 pmComments Off on Op-Ed: I Wrote a 50 Shades/Blues Clues Crossover And Now I Can’t Sleep
Op-Ed: I Wrote a 50 Shades/Blues Clues Crossover And Now I Can’t Sleep

I did it. My friends told me not to, but I didn’t listen. I never listen. Why didn’t I listen? “A mashup of 50 Shades of Grey and Blue’s Clues?” they said, “That sounds wrong.” I told them it wasn’t. I told them it would be funny, and I wrote […]

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Pokémon Developers Reveal That Dugtrio is Just Three Digletts

January 22, 2015 12:00 pmComments Off on Pokémon Developers Reveal That Dugtrio is Just Three Digletts
Pokémon Developers Reveal That Dugtrio is Just Three Digletts

This year has begun on a grim note, as America falls into a post-apocalyptic image of ruin and despair. As bodies line the streets, and orphans beat each other for food, the nation’s collective memory returns to the cause of its pain, to last Monday morning. The day started normally, […]

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Op Ed: I Hate Juniors

October 13, 2014 12:00 pmComments Off on Op Ed: I Hate Juniors
Op Ed: I Hate Juniors

You hear a lot these days about how annoying freshmen are. They’re constantly the butt of jokes for their “inexperience” and “virginity.” But you know who annoys me the most? Juniors. Juniors are the worst. Juniors are always so pretentious. They think they’ve got it all figured out, with their […]

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