Nation Just Grateful Major Political Event Happened Right Before Thanksgiving

November 14, 2016 12:01 pm
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Extended family having thanksgiving dinner.

Worried that there may have ended up not being a major geopolitical shift to argue about at the dinner table, the nation sighed with relief Wednesday upon realizing that it and the conservative uncles it’s forced to break bread with would have plenty to shout about at Thanksgiving.

As one Pennsylvanian college sophomore commented, “I was anxious- I thought it was going to be all, ‘Hey, the Cubs won’ and ‘Wow, Bowie died.’ Thank God there’ll be some ammunition for a screaming match about the direction of our nation and the fate of people of color.”

Despite assurances that something fight-worthy would surely happen by Christmas Break, Americans young and old raised fears in the past several weeks that the constant, polarized, hate-packed, fact-dodging, nation-dividing political discussions that have marked the past eighteen months might abruptly end with last week’s election. “What would the holidays be without family, friends, and accusations that my teenage nephew is a socialist pansy cutting through our cocktail hour?” wondered a Michiganian uncle. “I’m just glad something big happened when it did.”

Of course, with Christmas, Hanukkah, and Ramadan just around the corner, countless Americans have been left to wonder whether the tension present at upcoming family gatherings will be sustainable. Reaching across the aisle in his acceptance address, though, President-elect Trump promised the nation on Wednesday that there should be no concern about near-term domestic tranquility, and that houses would remain divided, big league, through his term.

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