Stanford Assures Students: Drought is “Top Priority”

February 10, 2014 12:00 pm
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Stanford Assures Students: Drought is “Top Priority”

As the dry season drags on, the drought affecting all of southern California is worsening. Farmers are concerned, and the drought can be felt in all aspects of everyday life. As such, Stanford is forced to choose between its two reputations as a “green” school. How to balance environmental concerns while maintaining the school’s lush image? As a result, Stanford RSD&E has courageously announced new water conservation policy in favor of protecting Mother Earth.

“Naturally,” said Brandon Malloway of Sustainable Stanford, “watering the newly installed AstroTurf is our top priority. This is an investment in the future, and we will do whatever it takes to preserve it.”

“Our second priority are the sidewalks, the very backbone of campus.” Malloway explained that the extensive sprinkler system that supplies plants around campus with water has been meticulously altered so that the sidewalks and pavement will be kept “damp and moist” throughout the night. “There’s no need to worry,” Malloway assured worried students at an open meeting. “We will get the water where it needs to go, in the most efficient way possible- by spraying it out of fountains. The wind is nature’s irrigation system.”

Of course, water conservation is a team effort, and the student body has risen to the challenge of water preservation as well. Freshman Stu Foubala has made it abundantly clear to the women of his dorm that he is willing to share a shower with any one of them in the name of eco-preservation. The men and women of Synergy have yet to use their shower this quarter at all, in what must be a moving display of social consciousness. Commented one eco-conscious Synergy resident, “what drought?”

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