So, some hottie from Operations reported you to HR after what was obviously a joke about her being a “slut in the (spread)sheets.” (don’t worry, we were all thinking it). The key, now, is to do some research and prepare your story, in the hopes that Human Resources doesn’t make you do the two-hour training that Lance-from-Communications complained about last month.
The trick is actually quite simple: out-philosophize them. If you make HR believe that you are the most knowledgeable about ethics, perhaps you can gaslight them shift their thinking to understand that the complaint was the issue and not you. ‘Cause seriously, who could possibly think that the Schopenhauer of the office would be a bad guy?
Of course, it’s impossible to read the entire canon of Western philosophy before your meeting. That’s why the Flipside has compiled a collection of lines to help you out of that sticky situation: because, truly, we’ve all been there.
- “The absurd is the essential concept and the first truth.”
― Albert Camus, after being told that it was “unprofessional” to continue a breaktime discussion on his newfound earlobe kink
- “He who thinks great thoughts often makes great errors.”
― Martin Heidegger, upon receiving HR’s mandate that he sign a letter promising to, in the future, consider the potential harms of buying the interns a “welcome-to-work” thong gift basket
- “…no existence can be validly fulfilled if it is limited to itself.”
― Simone de Beauvoir, on why inviting firemen strippers to the office holiday party was an essential cost in the budget
- “I am condemned to be free.”
― Jean-Paul Sartre, in response to a complaint that he needs to stop the constant “AWOOGA”s disguised as coughs around his coworker, and that the ability to just “be normal” is completely in his control
- “Right or wrong, it’s very pleasant to break something from time to time.”
― Fyodor Dostoevsky, replying to the warning that if he violates his restraining order from Tina-from-Marketing one more time by “sending her a message” (leaving a singular sock in her desk drawers every Tuesday at 2pm) he will lose his job
- “Once you label me you negate me.”
― Søren Kierkegaard, pleading to be taken off the sex offenders registry
- “Everybody wants the same, everybody is the same: whoever feels different goes voluntarily into a madhouse.”
― Friedrich Nietzsche, in utter disbelief, hearing that his cubicle neighbor did not actually also want to listen to an audiobook erotica while filing the company tax reports
- “Making itself intelligible is suicide for philosophy.”
― Martin Heidegger, when asked what possible fucking reason he had for setting his own nudes as the work computer lock screen
- “Live to the point of tears.”
― Albert Camus, upon learning that his sticky note, “u r a virgin who has 1 big eyebrow” made Kyle the Receptionist cry
- “The soul is healed by being with children.”
― Fyodor Dostoevsky, immediately before being fired
