Dear Stanford community,
I, as your reluctant President Richard, want to welcome you all for the upcoming 2023-24 academic year. In the coming year it will be my honor to be your replacement old white guy while the search for another old white guy prevails.
In my hopes of fulfilling this role, I hope to provide to you all the same comforting punching bag that MTL gave to you. As a famous person said, anyone can be a father; but it takes someone special to step up and be a Daddy. MTL gave you all hopes for being Daddy, but when push came to shove, he went to pick up the milk from Circle K on El Camino and Serra Way and never returned. I suppose that was the truest father figure he ever was.
Though I never wanted this job to begin with, I hope that you all can bear with me. Some of you row-dwelling Mus Musculi may be asking yourself, “how is this guy any different from that other guy?”. I’m going to be Frank (probably the name most of you think I go by), I’ve got no clue.I thought that I was being pulled into the meeting with admin for my retirement, not a fucking promotion. Can’t you guys all see that I’m too old for this shit? Please take these unprecedented times with care and compassion.
I will say the one benefit of becoming president is this sweet Airbnb they set me up in: Hoover MILF mansion or something like that. Private helicopter pad, full buffet kitchen, a stripping pole in the middle of the dining room (I guess the old guy really liked to dance), and a hallway full of Shamu portraits (must’ve been a big fan of SeaWorld). The old guy left a bunch of his lingerie behind though, will be auctioning it off soon.
To accommodate my tenure as president, I have passed an executive order for the SHPRC to sell adult incontinence diapers. Cardinal Care will now provide hearing aids,denture screenings, weekly Bingo nights, and senior citizen brunches.
Stanford, there is one promise I can make you. MTL espoused to serve with integrity (see above for how that panned out). I promise to do nothing of the sort. Bruh, my bones creak when i point my toes and when I drink too much water my tummy starts to hurt. I’m too old to care, and I’m kind of sick of doing this shit.
Sincerely,
Old White Man v.2
President Dicky Salls
