SAN FRANCISCO, CA — Just in time for Super Bowl LVIII, San Francisco 49ers quarterback Brock Purdy announced at a press conference that he has recently started a relationship with singer and pop icon Justin Beiber.
“I invited Justin to come watch me absolutely decimate the Lions during the NFC Championship and it just kinda blossomed from there,” Purdy said, intimately holding hands with Bieber. “We’d been talking for a bit before then, but I just finally decided to ask him out, and now I guess we’re official.”
The news comes just four months after Kansas City Chiefs tight end Travis Kelce invited Taylor Swift to his game against the Chicago Bears, starting a media frenzy following the Chiefs as they made their way to a Super Bowl victory over Purdy and the 49ers this weekend.
“Please, please, please, please, please pay attention to me,” Bieber stated in an interview with TMZ. “Like pretty please with a cherry on top. I’ll start making out with Brock right here, right now, with like, a lot of tongue. Just make me relevant again like Taylor Swift is.”
The pleas turned out to be effective, with Beliebers rising from the depths to enter vitriolic fights with Swifties on Tumblr. Gangs of roving teenagers have been found outside of Allegiant Stadium pulling each others’ hair and scratching each other while loudly singing off-pitch renditions of their favorite pop star’s songs.
In light of these updates, anonymous reports indicate the NFL scriptwriters are now working long nights to determine the optimal PR outcome for the upcoming 2024-25 season.
